I was once told, men just think with their dicks. And while I have feminist undertones, yes, I do, I can’t help but want to leap to my fellow men’s defense. Yes, we do think with our dicks. When you consider a woman can sire a child once a year, us men can father a child every forty minutes, I put it down to nature. I couldn’t wait to get to the age where my erection stops bothering me and getting me to make very poor life choices. Just when I felt the future would hold some peace and quiet, they invent Viagra. Why? What possible good can come of Viagra? Erectile dysfunction was natures way of telling you to place ones penis on the metaphorical gun rack. On the surface, Viagra seems an okay idea, but on a deeper level of consideration, eighty year old’s having sex? There is only one eighty year old I know and it is agony for him to walk up a flight of stairs, let alone nail his seventy nine year old wife. And that would be like fucking a pillowcase full of spanners.I have been thinking a lot about the ‘Men thinking with their dicks’ theory, and I think I know why. I have no scientific proof, but I have been drinking and it is making a lot sense to me. An erection is the result of a rush of blood. The human body contains enough blood for the brain, or an erection – not both. Y’see it is a design flaw. All this time it wasn’t the fault of us men at all. Gravity ensures that the blood goes to the erection, starving the brain of oxygen. Resulting in poor judgement.
I will get a Nobel prize for this thesis, I am sure of it.
This poor judgement is like being a werewolf. If any woman wants to know what being a man is like, watch ‘An American Werewolf in London’ as it is about as close as you can get. One minute you are a nice guy, going to work, riding the train, cheating at see-saw by doing it with midgets. Usual nice guy stuff. Then, just like a full moon, you get an erection. You didn’t ask for it, but it takes over. Just like a werewolf, you are frothing at the mouth, howling and leaving the house through a window. If you have watched American Werewolf in London, you will be familiar with the part of the film where the David character has visions of running around woodland chasing a deer. That is exactly what having an erection is like. It is like a dick sat-nav taking you off some place, fuck knows where. Like a laser guided weapon, a heat seeking missile, your meat-seeker seeks out vagina. You have no choice where it goes. Just like in nature, how a lion seeks out the lamest deer ensuring it will be the easiest kill. Erections do the same. You slip into a pants-trance, and just like in all werewolf films, there is a frenzied hunt for prey and often this is a drunken skank. Again, like in werewolf films, you wake up up in a strange place and you are naked. You have no idea where you are, there is blood on the walls and usually, most of a dead prostitute is in a bin.
The best case scenario is some genetic disaster with fag burns and prison tattoos is sprawled out in a fat sweaty heap at the bottom of a moist bed, in a filthy hotel. On awakening you have no recognition of the nights events. Soon you will be slipping out through a window and leaving town like a post-hulk David Banner. Hoping to find refuge in a new town where nobody knows your face. Hoping you are not again burdened by the curse of the hard-on.
I do feel, the world would be a happier place and dare I say it, a safer place should the women folk, those who are quick to pour scorn on us poor dick-thinkers, took action to administer services to relieve this condition. Again, expecting my Nobel Prize nomination for such free and radical clear thinking, I have supporting evidence for this. Bill Clinton. People were quick to criticize him for getting Monica to smoke his pole on the Oval Office. But consider his tenure as the American president – NO WARS! And the most prosperous time in the country since the second world war. Coincidence? Now consider George Bush on the other hand, did you see his wife? Where did he find her? At a Halloween party? I wouldn’t put a stolen dick in that mouth. And he was just one angry power crazed mother fucker. Had he got blown once in a while, I’m sure he wouldn’t have been such a warmongering twat-weasel.
See, I think Obama is getting blown a lot. He seems a happy guy, so you Americans are safe. One thing that did bother me though, when Obama won the first time, loads in America kept saying “A black president. I never thought I would see it in my lifetime!” Well who fucking voted for him then? But should things get bad. If Michelle were to leave him, it is everyone’s responsibility to try and suck his cock. Last thing we need is an angry man with an erection and his finger over the nuclear weapon deploy button. It is my ‘Empty bollocks – empty head’ theory that keeps the world safe. Every angry man is just a man who hasn’t blown his load. If you are a woman and a guy gives you flowers, he most likely has an erection. Because flowers make no sense to us men.
“Awwww – you brought me flowers! Do they remind you of me?”
“Yes, they are useless, soon to be dead and their beauty is fading by the second.”
Don’t get me wrong. I know men are flawed. I know we have an unrivaled arrogance. For instance, I am confident a woman invented bread and a man invented toast. Only a woman has the patience and diligence to get wheat, beat it to a rock till a fine powdered flour. Cultivate and add yeast, knead it into a dough. Wait for it to rise and then bake it into a loaf. I can guarantee then, that a man looked at the wonderful creation and said “Nooo you’re doing it wrong…. you, err, need to cook it again. Toast, that’s what it’s called. Idiot.”
But, for everyone’s safety, any erection needs to be disarmed. As I said, I am all for feminism, it isn’t a woman’s responsibility. If some guy, some official in the White House threw his mouth on Bush’s custard-cannon, there possibly would have been no Iraq war.
This isn’t science fiction… it’s science FACT!