Columns / Humor

Does This Sex Column Make My Ass Look Fat?


sexassfat

 A few months ago I walked past a display of glossy women’s magazines with perfectly made up celebrities on the cover and headlines about losing weight, toning your ass, and making your man “go wild” in bed. The one that really blew me away had big yellow letters across the cover screaming, “50 WAYS TO JUST BE YOURSELF!”

I picked it up and held in my hands just to be sure I hadn’t misread it. How does one make a list of ways for people they don’t know to be themselves? Opening another glossy mag to the table of contents I land on a section titled “All About You” with four articles listed underneath. One was how to avoid breaking up with your boyfriend, another article was a male columnist taking questions from female readers and giving them relationship advice from “The Male Perspective”. The third was “What Men Think” about women’s beauty habits, and the fourth was “That Thing All Guys Want In Bed These Days.” A section about “Me” that’s all about men? I thought, Do these magazines think women are fucking stupid?

Yes. Yes, they do.

And just in case any of you ladies out there are tempted to fall for their batshit crazy advice, I’m here to offer you my hand, drop into the sexy rabbit hole, and explain to you exactly why the advice they are giving you will lead to you getting dumped (at best) or committed to an insane asylum (at worst).

“The Fake Chastity Belt” or “How to convince him you’re nuts and/or get a previously undiscovered fungal infection”

There was an entire article on “fake chastity belts”, mostly focusing on Spanx (note: Spanx and other shapewear have been linked to fun medical problems like blood clots, yeast infections, and the newly named “tight pants syndrome” where a nerve in the back of your leg is pinched so tight it results in tingling and numbness!). The premise of the article is simple—what if you really DON’T want to fuck a guy on the first date? Whatever should you do? Well, obviously you put on your Spanx, because no way would you want him to see those! BUT, what if you change your mind? How do you get the hot sex without showing off your flesh toned yeast infection dispenser?

We rely on two assumptions here; the first that you have no personal resolve at all. You’ve decided it’s too early to bang a guy, then decided he’s too hot not to bang, and now you’re wearing Spanx and he might see them. The second assumption is that you don’t have a big enough bag to stash the Spanx in. This second one is important.

The first suggestion is to take your nasty Spanx that you’ve been sweating in, and maybe releasing vaginal discharge into (because they make you do that, you can look it up) and hide it between his folded towels. That’s thoughtful, isn’t it? Because your date definitely won’t think it’s weird that you’re rifling through his linen cabinet if he catches you hiding them or retrieving them the morning after.

The second suggestion is just… mind-blowingly disgusting. Remember that we are assuming you do NOT have a large enough purse to stash your Spanx in. They suggest going into the bathroom, sliding the Spanx off, and hiding them under his bathmat. Do I even need to point out the problems inherent in this solution? YOU’VE GOT TO PUT THEM BACK ON! After they’ve been under his bathmat, on his bathroom floor. It’s safe to assume that if you didn’t plan on sleeping with this guy, he didn’t scrub his bathroom floor in preparation for your arrival. Let’s also point out that you have no idea how often he washes his bathmat. Congratulations, you now have a yeast infection from the Spanx and a rare form of black mold from under his ratty old bathmat. Hooray! Progress for women everywhere.

My solution: If you don’t want to fuck someone on the first date, don’t. If you do, trust that he isn’t going to give a shit about your Spanx as long as you take them off (unless he’s a huge asshole, in which case, don’t fuck him).

Give the most awful tasting blowjob of your life!

The premise of this “tip” is even simpler than the one above. Your “man” will no longer be satisfied with a simple blowjob. It’s not enough. You’re not good enough. You’ve been reading Metropolitan, Glamalicious, and Pheromone magazine long enough to know this, so don’t act surprised.

No, you’ve got to make it interesting, and how better to make it interesting, than to do something certain to make you barf on his dick? The advice is deceptively simple. Tell him to lie back and relax, then roll a condom on and go down. After a few minutes, take it off and keep going. Apparently this will make your mouth EVEN BETTER THAN A MOUTH. Take note.

It will also taste like deep fried ass covered in latex.

Before you try this at home, go to a doctor’s office and borrow a glove, suck on it. Does it taste good? No? How does it smell? Yes, that latex-y smell brings me right back to the time we dissected pig fetuses in the tenth grade, too! How sexy!

My solution: Look, a good old-fashioned blowjob never ruined anybody’s relationship. If he’s THAT bored with oral sex, you’re probably doing it too often.

In the event that you are far enough into your relationship to live together, but not comfortable enough to talk about sex…

Well, what’s a girl to do? You moved your stuff in, you share a bed, you may have even seen him shit, but when it comes to getting freaky… you’re at a loss. How could you possibly sit down and talk to your man about what you want in bed? What if he thinks you’re weird?

Glossy Mag to the rescue! Citing Beyonce’s alter ego “Sasha Fierce” they let us know that it is okay to take on an alter ego if that’s the kind of boost you need to get a little kinky. Their simple solution? Don a wig and answer the door telling him that “you” are away for the night and you are your own “evil twin”.

Now, I’m not bashing role-playing in the boudoir. You do you, and get what you want. I know a lot of people think this is fun and incredibly hot. What I am trying to say is, you have to let your live-in lover know if you expect him to be Doctor Zhivago while you play the role of Nurse Betty. If he comes home and you answer the door saying, ‘There is no Dana, only Zuul”, you’d better hope he’s a Ghostbusters fan and you’re just cracking a joke.

I mean, put yourself in his shoes. He’s been away at work, it may have been a long day, he might have gotten his ass chewed by the boss, he may have gotten stuck in traffic and spilled coffee on his lap on the way in. He comes home, and you’re standing there in a cheap wig trying to convince him that you’re not home, but your “evil” twin is there to make his wildest fantasies come true. And, let’s be real, when you say “wildest fantasies” what you mean is “I’m going to use a silk scarf to tie you to the bedposts” and not “Yes, I’ve finally decided we could try anal.”

 My solution: Talk to your sex partner about sex, that way, you’ll know if he’s into the idea of your redheaded evil twin before he comes home and has to spend fifteen minutes trying to decide if you’ve lost your fucking mind before realizing you want to have sex.

Bonus: A reader question for one of the glossy mags.

“I really want to make a sex tape. Is there any way to guarantee that mine will never see the light of day?”

No.

My solution: Stop reading glossy mags for sex advice and use your brain.

8 thoughts on “Does This Sex Column Make My Ass Look Fat?

    • Right? Pretty crazy. I’ve never met a guy who said “you know, she was blowing me and I just… I just couldn’t get into it. I was like… this *again*? Blow jobs, man… so unoriginal.”

  1. Pingback: Does This Sex Column Make My Ass Look Fat? | The Titular Author

  2. All I can think of after reading this column is the chorus from “She” by Misfits.

    She loves naked sin
    He loves evil sex
    She has lost control
    They are growing old

    Though I don’t think Spanx-induced yeast infections, pinched nerves, and latex-flavored oral was what Glenn Danzig had in mind.

    I could probably go on for several thousand words about what bullshit glam mags are and how they’re driving women (and even men) to embody outmoded gender stereotypes. But you’ve nailed it with brevity and clarity so I won’t bother.

    Thanks for keeping it real, Renee.

  3. OMG I love this so much! Sooo tired of the crappy “advice” handed out by glossy women’s mags. They must think we’re all idiots.

  4. HAHAHA!!!! Perfect! I stand and applaud the most realistic and true ‘sex advice’ article I have ever laid eyes on. Well done, Renee! I hope to see many, many more of these ridiculous how-to-be-sexy myths debunked by someone who has a real fucking clue!
    Bravo!

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